Wax On, Wax off
I watched the new Karate Kid this weekend. As we all know, the central theme of the movie is, a boy is bullied, learns Kungfu, beats kid who bullies him in tournament, beaten kid gains new respect for bullied kid. This is a central theme in life where you often have to prove to yourself or to others that you belong somewhere.
Everyone searches for belonging. We want to be part of a family, clique, group or organization that values our contribution or us. Children seek those that are most like them and try to avoid those that are different. These differences are often external and could change as the child develops throughout life. Remember the story of the ugly duckling turning into a swan.
As was discussed in part one, bullying takes different forms and is present at all levels from children to adults. Adults suffer from bullies the same way children do. The question is often how to deal with it.
Are bullies born or made?
In part one of How to cure a bully; we learned that there are two types of bullies.
- Those that have low/ negative self-esteem
- Those that have a misguided concept of power
This also goes for the bullied.
- They have low/ negative self esteem
- And a misguided concept of the power of those that are bullying them
You can see one or both of these themes being played throughout life and not just among children in schools. A child is not born a bully or born to be bullied. A child is not also born with low self-esteem or a misconception of power. Children learn this through those that care for them or their environment.
A child cannot help the nature or circumstance of their birth. They cannot help being born this or that color. They cannot help being born into this or that culture. They have no control over the having or not having of their family. They had no say over their gender, size, or looks. For good or not, a child begins with what they have been given. The question is where do they go from there?
What are the effects / results of negative self-esteem?
A child or adult with low/negative self-esteem or a misguided concept of power develops phobias related to dealing with people. Social interaction and relationships is poor. A bullied child with low self-esteem develops fears of interacting with his peers, engaging in social events like sports and other outings and finds it difficult to build good relationships. His fear shows as he tries to keep to himself or those that are most like him. This makes him, and his companions, a target of those that believe they have power over them, since birds of the same feather, and all what not, stick together.
A child bully with low self-esteem seeks to compensate for his lack by targeting those that he believes are better than he is or has something he does not have. For example, a foreign kid with an accent, new to a school, attracts attention. Other kids might think his accent is cool or weird. In either case, he is attracting attention both positive and negative. A child bully with low self-esteem sees this and resents the foreign kid for it (classic tale of the green-eyed giant). What is not often apparent is what the child bully resents and why.
Children with a misguided notion of power develop complexes. Children develop either Inferiority Complex or Superiority Complex, depending on their own idea of self worth.
A person develops a superiority complex while trying to mask their feeling of inferiority. Feeling inferior to anyone or place stems from a belief that one is less deserving of acceptance or recognition. When a person is suffering from feelings of inferiority, they compensate by acting superior to others. In children, the result is the birth of the bully or the bullied.
So what is the cure for bullying?
As stated before, the cause of all bullying stems from the child’s self-perception. This is made up of two forms.
- The facts about the child ( external factors like, height, weight, culture, environment, gender)
- What the child believes about himself (internal characteristics like having faith in oneself, being caring, being smart, thoughtful, ambitious, etc.)
What a child believes about himself is stronger than how the child sees himself or how anyone else sees the child.
The more positive their concept of self is, the higher they esteem themselves as someone of value and worthy of acceptance, recognition and appreciation.
The pills to give for the bullying disease
- Teach the child that they are unique not different
- Teach the child that they possess all that they will ever need to be all that they desire
- Teach the child that there are certain factors within their control ( themselves)
- Teach the child that there are certain factors beyond their control ( others, environment)
- Teach the child how to react/ respond to those circumstances within their control
- Teach the child how to react/ respond to those circumstances beyond their control
- Teach the child to be proactive. In this way, they establish the boundaries of relationships.
- Teach the child to respond with curiosity or empathy and not fear. An empathetic or curious child will lead of with questions. Asking questions reduces fear.
When all else fails learn Kungfu 🙂